I was molested too...

I've never really talked about this. Mostly because I don't remember it first hand.

Sometime during the 4 years that we lived in NE Ohio, my brother came to visit. During this visit, he asked if I remembered anything about our old babysitter Sam*. I told him that I remembered Sam but I didn't remember that he ever babysat us. In fact, I remember very little about being a kid. B (brother) then began to tell me about some memories that he'd recently remembered. He remembered witnessing Sam molest me. Apparently Sam told me that he could make himself pee and then masturbated in front of me and then had me do it to him. I was only 4 or 5, I think he said, maybe younger.

I, again, told B that I had absolutely no memory of this and hoped that I never did. See, I thought that if I didn't remember what happened to me, that it would never affect me. Turns out, that's not true. In talking to my doctor last week, he thinks it has been affecting me even before B told me anything about it.

See when I was a teen, I was kinda promiscuous. (sorry parents and grandma if you're reading this) I say kinda because when I hear the word "promiscuous" I think of someone who will sleep with anyone. I wasn't like that. The guys I slept with were boyfriends that I thought I loved. My doc was telling me that this is common behavior for girls who have been molested at a young age (gee... totally didn't help my worries for K there...)

He also said that the other common behavior is the exact opposite, a lack of interest in sex at all. This is where I am now and have been roughly since S was born.Previous doctors I've talked to thought it must be something physically wrong. They ran blood work and everything. They all came back normal ranges. That ruled out anything physical. None of my other doctors took it beyond that. Though, in their defense, I never thought to tell them about the molestation because, as I've said, I didn't think that could be the cause since I didn't even remember it happening. For some reason I thought to tell my current doctor last week. He says that even though I do not remember it happening, it's still there in my subconscious.

I must say that as a former psychology major, this fascinated me. Who would have thought that things you don't remember happening as a child could have such a profound affect on actions, thoughts, and such as an adult. Although, I guess it makes sense considering those are formative years and such.

Luckily (I guess?!) this makes me uniquely qualified to help my daughter through as she travels the same journey. It also makes me stop hoping and praying that she doesn't remember. Because if she doesn't remember, she could still suffer the consequences but just never know WHY.


*Name changed to protect the guilty. Mostly cause I can't remember how to spell his name